Love Sick Song Lyrics

Dear readers,

Can you recall the last time I was this annoyed with myself..? I do! Lyrics underneath are from the awesome band Nightwish

And then it hit me... I am lonely

Dear readers,

For the past few weeks I was wondering why I am content to stay at my parents house, willingly. It took me nearly forever to see past the obvious reasons. Free shelter, free food, no bills to pay and an easy ride to work. But then just a few seconds ago, I was reading Dennis his blog and then it hit me. I am staying here, because if I will go home, I feel alone. I cannot bare the fact of being alone, no matter how many friends I have. No many how many lovers I take. I will feel alone for a while. It's not that I want him back - but the fact he speaks of the love of his life, and meaning not me, but some other girl, it just makes me feel all the mistakes I have made in my life. I know I am a good person. Pretty even in looks. But I still can't shake the feeling of self pity. Even self loathing. Why, I don't know. I just feel the way I do. Alone and unwanted. I am pretending not to mind. Not to mind people around me, getting married and having babies. My heart is breaking with every thought of them. I want what they have. I want it so bad. But am I willing to hook up with someone I do not feel love for? Not love in the wonderful butterfly feeling I had once, long ago. We will see what life brings me, eventually. 

Love,

Aledawn

Slayed

Slayed

I feel as if you never loved me,
I feel as if you never cared for me.
I feel as if the world stopped spinning,
I feel as if you broke my heart.

You did break it,
and for now it needs time to heal.
For only a few moments,
And then the healing has to start.

I wanted to be slayed,
I wanted to be hated.
I wanted to be apart,
I wanted to be alone.

Still in the darkness you are no longer there,
Still in my home, you have left no token.
Not a single evidence as if you where there,
Not a single memory will evade my mind.

You have slayed me,
You have hated me.
You have torn me apart,
You have left me alone.

No more tears will flow,
I feel so left alone.
But I understand how you feel,
I understand your needs better than you do yourself.

I wish I could leave.

Whenever I feel bad, I need to write - seeing as I have no true inspiration for one of my stories or for a poem even, I decided to write my misery here. Like anyone needs to hear it. But it helps me stay a little sane. 


I am afraid that by tomorrow at this time, I'll be alone again. And not for the fact that I would really miss him, as a person. But more for the fact that I am afraid to be left alone. The loneliness is eating at me, even now, when I am totally not alone. I have my family surrounding me, though I want to be left alone. Utterly alone.


I wish I could go home - alone, without the dog, without visitors and stay locked inside for seven days and seven nights. To walk in the middle of the night on a street where nobody knows me, where nobody sees me. Where I am alone. Where I have the wind and rain as my one true companion. Then I could do what I want for a very long time. Eat myself to death and watch all the movies I've got. Though, that would take me more then seven days and seven night to complete. I could sleep and cry and no-one would be bothered by it. Just me. I could hurt, only me. I would not have to pretend to be happy - pretend to be sane.   


Although I know that by day 3, I would have lost everything, and would crave for the companionship of others. I want this so desperately. To be alone, with my thoughts and with my own salty pearl drop tears. But how does one do this? I have obligations, I have a family, I have school and friends. I just need to be in peace with myself. I need to become at peace with myself. 


I could take a holiday - heck, I could even ask for a place in the local mental hospital for a week. But I won't. By then I would be a big burden to everyone. To my friends, family and even to the people who work there. So, what am I supposed to do?


I have to figure this out by myself. I am sorry - but I won't let me hurt myself anymore.


Take care.


Love,


Aledawn

I'll leave it to you, love!

He's not dead, nor in jail - nor anything else. He just lost his phone. I went to see him two days ago. He was at his home, a little ill but nothing special. I keep worrying about stuff - stuff I should not be worrying about. Why does these things bother me. I messaged him today, telling him that if he wanted to 'hang out with me' he needed to take the rope. To tell me, he does want to spend time with me. So, I'll leave it to you, love. And I hope you make your decision well.

Uhm - are you dead or in jail?

Damn it! My to be ex-boyfriend did not call back. He send a text at 16.08 telling he would not be coming to my house (my parents' house.) because he was busy and needed to work on his scooter. He told me he would call later that night. Fine - so I did not send anything back - just because I was annoyed and I tend to scream allot when that happens. So, I was pissed when it was midnight and he still did not call. What happens when I'm pissed? I called him - but his phone was off. He never has his phone off - so I thought it was strange - maybe a dead battery or something. So I send him a text telling him to call me back as soon as he got the message. It's 15.40 at this time  - note the time difference in the box next to this ridiculous story says it's a different time. But the point is, I am totally worried - he could be dead or worse, in jail. He might just not want to speak to me, which I can imagine, because we both know how worked up I get at those "little" details. 


Oh - F.Y.I. we are still talking about "J." and if he does not call or message and he is not dead - he can be sure he is seeing a whole lot less of me.


I'll try and keep you posted!

How life flips

Have you ever wondered why life is like this? One time your happy - other times you feel like bursting into tears, staying home underneath the covers. RUN AWAY FROM THAT. Or atleast we try, don't we. We try and try and try even harder. But it doesn't work. It feels like years or maybe even decades before we feel happy. Before we can move on. But that's not my point. You need to move on. Not for you - but do it for others. So try your best - and keep on breathing - even when you do excersise -  The world is not without heart-ache and heart-ache seems to be healty for you. I do doubt it. But seeing as I am not sure if I am the expert on this subject I cannot tell you. 

I am also busy on my newly bought Wii Fit Plus. And the Yoga is very difficult. But I try and try untill I fall.

And then a some new recomandations for you.

Music: Indica - A Way Away and Ambeon - Fate of a Dreamer
Books: The Fallen Series by Lauren Kate - the Demonata Series by Darren Shan - The Vampire Series by Darren Shan 
Movies: Tangled - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 1
Games: Wii Fit Plus for the Wii and ofcourse Pokémon Black and White (Which I do not have and probably will not get until somewhere in April.)