Changes

My life has changed. Not only did I had a fight with my "ex-"boyfriend, I got a new tattoo and I'm on medication. First things first, the fight - the big one.


On Friday night, I called him. He could not come, could not talk and had to much on his mind to be involved with me. I gave him a choice: Love me or Leave me. He said he wanted to think about it, but I figured he left me. I figured this, since it's Monday and he still did not call. I'm afraid to call, no, not afraid. Stubborn. I won't call him, it his choice. 


Second: I got a new tattoo, it's a star on my right wrist, more on the right side - it's not really centered. But I love it. 


And third; I'm on my old medication, which makes me sleep the entire night - it should help with the depressions :). We'll figure it out.  

I wish I could leave.

Whenever I feel bad, I need to write - seeing as I have no true inspiration for one of my stories or for a poem even, I decided to write my misery here. Like anyone needs to hear it. But it helps me stay a little sane. 


I am afraid that by tomorrow at this time, I'll be alone again. And not for the fact that I would really miss him, as a person. But more for the fact that I am afraid to be left alone. The loneliness is eating at me, even now, when I am totally not alone. I have my family surrounding me, though I want to be left alone. Utterly alone.


I wish I could go home - alone, without the dog, without visitors and stay locked inside for seven days and seven nights. To walk in the middle of the night on a street where nobody knows me, where nobody sees me. Where I am alone. Where I have the wind and rain as my one true companion. Then I could do what I want for a very long time. Eat myself to death and watch all the movies I've got. Though, that would take me more then seven days and seven night to complete. I could sleep and cry and no-one would be bothered by it. Just me. I could hurt, only me. I would not have to pretend to be happy - pretend to be sane.   


Although I know that by day 3, I would have lost everything, and would crave for the companionship of others. I want this so desperately. To be alone, with my thoughts and with my own salty pearl drop tears. But how does one do this? I have obligations, I have a family, I have school and friends. I just need to be in peace with myself. I need to become at peace with myself. 


I could take a holiday - heck, I could even ask for a place in the local mental hospital for a week. But I won't. By then I would be a big burden to everyone. To my friends, family and even to the people who work there. So, what am I supposed to do?


I have to figure this out by myself. I am sorry - but I won't let me hurt myself anymore.


Take care.


Love,


Aledawn

The Tuomas Problem

What a weird title, I know, but before you make any assumptions, let me try to explain.


First, everyone who knows me - or even a little about me, knows that Tuomas Holopainen from the Finnish metal band Nightwish is one of my absolute idols (note: I adore him in a really selfish way - fan-girlish even.) I mean just look at him. 

But except the good looks and except the fact that he is a famous musician (fame attracts, no matter how you look or what kind of personality you have. )


I feel that, in a strange, weird way, we could have some connection on an astral way. I do not know him, in a personal way. So that says enough. But to get back to the original subject. 


This is the problem, in a way, Tuomas has always been my ideal image of what my husband should be. How my future husband should be. And this is where the problem starts. 


I have created these standards. And every man I ever dated falls out of those standards. Maybe except Aron. He came pretty close to the 'Tuomas Standards'. 


I feel there is this gap between my deepest wish and between the reality. It would be the end of the world if I would find a man who fits the 'Tuomas Standards'.  Simply because the only man who could/would fit those standards is Tuomas Holopainen himself. To be honest, I fear this is one thing I might never get. No matter how badly I want it. 


We will see what to do about these standards. I will figure something out. Maybe I should pick 4 from Tuomas and place them with another man. Hopefully he can, at least have 4, standards.


So, I will live my life until the solution hits me - like thunder and rain.


Love,


Aledawn