Then, it was silent...

It has been a long time since we last met. To be honest, it was expected of me. I know. So what have I been doing? Here is the list of things you might have missed..

And then it hit me... I am lonely

Dear readers,

For the past few weeks I was wondering why I am content to stay at my parents house, willingly. It took me nearly forever to see past the obvious reasons. Free shelter, free food, no bills to pay and an easy ride to work. But then just a few seconds ago, I was reading Dennis his blog and then it hit me. I am staying here, because if I will go home, I feel alone. I cannot bare the fact of being alone, no matter how many friends I have. No many how many lovers I take. I will feel alone for a while. It's not that I want him back - but the fact he speaks of the love of his life, and meaning not me, but some other girl, it just makes me feel all the mistakes I have made in my life. I know I am a good person. Pretty even in looks. But I still can't shake the feeling of self pity. Even self loathing. Why, I don't know. I just feel the way I do. Alone and unwanted. I am pretending not to mind. Not to mind people around me, getting married and having babies. My heart is breaking with every thought of them. I want what they have. I want it so bad. But am I willing to hook up with someone I do not feel love for? Not love in the wonderful butterfly feeling I had once, long ago. We will see what life brings me, eventually. 

Love,

Aledawn

Why?

Dear readers,

As you might have read, I am totally in love. But this is something that bothers me. My male friends just can't be happy for me. I'm sure my female friends are. But they are jealous for some reason.. Does that makes me desirable? Or does that make them see what I have until I'm taken. It bothers me a little. Let me just be happy and leave me the hell alone!

Soon to be more.

Love,

Aledawn

New Lover

Dear dear readers - I have some great news. I am in Love. Yes, Love with the capital L. Not that it still is that serious. But we truly understand each other. It's been a while since I truly felt this way. His name is Dennis - he's younger than me - but he is funny, cute, smart and sweet - and he's such a great kisser!

Love,

Aledawn

Driving home from the parking lot

I have been driving today. Not far and not even in a real car - but it was very much fun to do. My friend, R. has a car that can only go 45 kmph - and he let me drive a round around the parking lot at our back. He's my neighbor from 4 up. We had C.'s dog Freddie and my dog Princess in the back of the car and the nerve's where spiraling out of control. But I did it. I drove! It felt amazing and it wasn't even illegal. He told me I could 'practice' driving in his car until I was going to start up for my real driver's licence. And actually there is not much more to note to you right now. Except for the fact i'm still pretty mad at Dave (my "boyfriend") for not calling me and not responding to any of my text' or calls.


Love,


Aledawn


P.s. it's cold in here.

Three new pairs of shoes - Glee and the meeting

Today, the fifth of December - my very good friend C. gave me three pairs of shoes. It's so sweet of her - though she wore them a few times, I can't say no to good shoes that fit me. Awesome that we have the same shoe size... I totally love them - the shoes - I'm wondering what Dave thinks about them - the shoes - and about the fantastic gift of my friend C. 


I promised to 'babysit' her dog, Freddie, next Saturday. Not really looking forward to it -but a promise is a promise. I'm currently on the way to watch the season final of Glee season 2. Tomorrow at 8.30 pm starts season 3 of Glee on our national cable station.


I also just heard my to be 'mother-in-law' is coming to school for a conversation with Dave and some people - SCARY! seriously, it's terrifying me. Especially for me, seeing as they need to be there by about 8.30 and usually i'm at school at about 8 pm - I can't skip school and Dave promised me I would meet her - yeah - not really - as I said before - SCARY! TERRIFYING!  HORRIBLE! For me it would be like a horror movie nightmare where you find you can't run - you can't hide and the only thing you have to do is stick through it, until the very end. 

The Smell Of Joy

Life as I knew it totally changed. I found myself being gloating with happiness and joy. I would wake up in the morning, early, and ready for school. I am getting amazingly good grades. Which is amazing, even for me. I mean, especially for me. I usually fail in almost everything, most of the time, lagging behind in school work. Still I would wish that I would get some of my inspiration back. It sucks not to be able to have good dreams and write about them. Most of the time now, I would be to tired to dream - as is normal for me - and when I go to bed, I fall asleep at once. Actually, because everything goes so well, I have little to mention. I got the new Nightwish album - I love it! Also i'm trying to concentrate on Harry Potter a little more, just to write some fan fiction. Or to continue Dark Star. But as I mentioned above, it just does not work. 

Love, Aledawn.

P.s. Information about my Boyfriend is behind the break!

Changes

My life has changed. Not only did I had a fight with my "ex-"boyfriend, I got a new tattoo and I'm on medication. First things first, the fight - the big one.


On Friday night, I called him. He could not come, could not talk and had to much on his mind to be involved with me. I gave him a choice: Love me or Leave me. He said he wanted to think about it, but I figured he left me. I figured this, since it's Monday and he still did not call. I'm afraid to call, no, not afraid. Stubborn. I won't call him, it his choice. 


Second: I got a new tattoo, it's a star on my right wrist, more on the right side - it's not really centered. But I love it. 


And third; I'm on my old medication, which makes me sleep the entire night - it should help with the depressions :). We'll figure it out.  

The talk

Today I had 'The Talk' with my boyfriend. Though, it was quite a useless talk, for all he did was compare me with one of his ex-girlfriends. He complained about me and I pretended to listen. He said that he thought I was being to selfish - to narcissistic and to demanding in this relation. Wow, I took a blow at my self-esteem. For a first time, I got my feelings hurt by someone I pretend to love, (we say that we love each other, but I doubt even my own feelings towards him.) and still stay with him. 


Well I got a few blows below the belt in, I hope. I told him that he needed to spend more time in this relationships, if he wanted to continue it. But still I doubt it all. Maybe I am better of alone. Like the song Tallulah from Sonata Arctica. 

Tallulah, It's easier to live alone than fear the time it's over, oo-ooh...
Tallulah, find the words and talk to me, oh, Tallulah,
This could be... heaven 

This is the now and in the now, I don't feel like I want to be alone. I want to feel loved - or at least wanted. 

Love,


Aledawn 


P.s. try to listen to the song Tallulah - it made me think about my past relationship and the band Sonata Arctica is really good.


P.p.s. Happy Fathers day for all the fathers in the world. Please remember, your children are really important.

I'll leave it to you, love!

He's not dead, nor in jail - nor anything else. He just lost his phone. I went to see him two days ago. He was at his home, a little ill but nothing special. I keep worrying about stuff - stuff I should not be worrying about. Why does these things bother me. I messaged him today, telling him that if he wanted to 'hang out with me' he needed to take the rope. To tell me, he does want to spend time with me. So, I'll leave it to you, love. And I hope you make your decision well.

Uhm - are you dead or in jail?

Damn it! My to be ex-boyfriend did not call back. He send a text at 16.08 telling he would not be coming to my house (my parents' house.) because he was busy and needed to work on his scooter. He told me he would call later that night. Fine - so I did not send anything back - just because I was annoyed and I tend to scream allot when that happens. So, I was pissed when it was midnight and he still did not call. What happens when I'm pissed? I called him - but his phone was off. He never has his phone off - so I thought it was strange - maybe a dead battery or something. So I send him a text telling him to call me back as soon as he got the message. It's 15.40 at this time  - note the time difference in the box next to this ridiculous story says it's a different time. But the point is, I am totally worried - he could be dead or worse, in jail. He might just not want to speak to me, which I can imagine, because we both know how worked up I get at those "little" details. 


Oh - F.Y.I. we are still talking about "J." and if he does not call or message and he is not dead - he can be sure he is seeing a whole lot less of me.


I'll try and keep you posted!