I wish I could leave.

Whenever I feel bad, I need to write - seeing as I have no true inspiration for one of my stories or for a poem even, I decided to write my misery here. Like anyone needs to hear it. But it helps me stay a little sane. 


I am afraid that by tomorrow at this time, I'll be alone again. And not for the fact that I would really miss him, as a person. But more for the fact that I am afraid to be left alone. The loneliness is eating at me, even now, when I am totally not alone. I have my family surrounding me, though I want to be left alone. Utterly alone.


I wish I could go home - alone, without the dog, without visitors and stay locked inside for seven days and seven nights. To walk in the middle of the night on a street where nobody knows me, where nobody sees me. Where I am alone. Where I have the wind and rain as my one true companion. Then I could do what I want for a very long time. Eat myself to death and watch all the movies I've got. Though, that would take me more then seven days and seven night to complete. I could sleep and cry and no-one would be bothered by it. Just me. I could hurt, only me. I would not have to pretend to be happy - pretend to be sane.   


Although I know that by day 3, I would have lost everything, and would crave for the companionship of others. I want this so desperately. To be alone, with my thoughts and with my own salty pearl drop tears. But how does one do this? I have obligations, I have a family, I have school and friends. I just need to be in peace with myself. I need to become at peace with myself. 


I could take a holiday - heck, I could even ask for a place in the local mental hospital for a week. But I won't. By then I would be a big burden to everyone. To my friends, family and even to the people who work there. So, what am I supposed to do?


I have to figure this out by myself. I am sorry - but I won't let me hurt myself anymore.


Take care.


Love,


Aledawn