Sadness on demand

Is it true that I can only find happiness with the images of those who do not excist?

I guess so, because I truly believe that there is one person for me to love, and that person is not real. Or I havn't found him yet. Yes, I wrote about him and me and then stopped because the pain I felt was to much for me to handle.

I've created memories around him and when I am in the right mood, I pull one out and start reliving those things.

Our meeting, the first kiss we shared underneath the pale moonlight sky, when the stars shone bright and the waves of the ocean could be heard. The smell of his hair, the color of his eyes when he was thinking about something impotant. They were the color of fading leaves in early autumn. A dark green with strokes of golden brown.

Or I think about how it would be if he was here. How we could be happy, together.
But we are not. He is somewhere (or not.) And I am here. I long to touch him, to stroke his hair. To kiss him for the first time again.

I'm so worried I might lose my mind dreaming of him. Because what do I have to live for. Maybe if I die, we will be together. Maybe not, because he is not real!

And that is what I have to remember.

Love,

Aledawn

And then it hit me... I am lonely

Dear readers,

For the past few weeks I was wondering why I am content to stay at my parents house, willingly. It took me nearly forever to see past the obvious reasons. Free shelter, free food, no bills to pay and an easy ride to work. But then just a few seconds ago, I was reading Dennis his blog and then it hit me. I am staying here, because if I will go home, I feel alone. I cannot bare the fact of being alone, no matter how many friends I have. No many how many lovers I take. I will feel alone for a while. It's not that I want him back - but the fact he speaks of the love of his life, and meaning not me, but some other girl, it just makes me feel all the mistakes I have made in my life. I know I am a good person. Pretty even in looks. But I still can't shake the feeling of self pity. Even self loathing. Why, I don't know. I just feel the way I do. Alone and unwanted. I am pretending not to mind. Not to mind people around me, getting married and having babies. My heart is breaking with every thought of them. I want what they have. I want it so bad. But am I willing to hook up with someone I do not feel love for? Not love in the wonderful butterfly feeling I had once, long ago. We will see what life brings me, eventually. 

Love,

Aledawn

Simming the Night Away

Hello my dearest heart sliced readers,


I am in a dark mood. But as I just hit the showers, all the dirt came off. I feel quit lonely, even though my thoughts should be happy. I have not much to share today. Just bought a new Sims game. The Sims Master Suite Stuff Pack. Living in a house full of vampires. Funny, to be honest.


Going to Sim the Night away.


Love,


Aledawn