Sadness on demand

Is it true that I can only find happiness with the images of those who do not excist?

I guess so, because I truly believe that there is one person for me to love, and that person is not real. Or I havn't found him yet. Yes, I wrote about him and me and then stopped because the pain I felt was to much for me to handle.

I've created memories around him and when I am in the right mood, I pull one out and start reliving those things.

Our meeting, the first kiss we shared underneath the pale moonlight sky, when the stars shone bright and the waves of the ocean could be heard. The smell of his hair, the color of his eyes when he was thinking about something impotant. They were the color of fading leaves in early autumn. A dark green with strokes of golden brown.

Or I think about how it would be if he was here. How we could be happy, together.
But we are not. He is somewhere (or not.) And I am here. I long to touch him, to stroke his hair. To kiss him for the first time again.

I'm so worried I might lose my mind dreaming of him. Because what do I have to live for. Maybe if I die, we will be together. Maybe not, because he is not real!

And that is what I have to remember.

Love,

Aledawn

New Lover

Dear dear readers - I have some great news. I am in Love. Yes, Love with the capital L. Not that it still is that serious. But we truly understand each other. It's been a while since I truly felt this way. His name is Dennis - he's younger than me - but he is funny, cute, smart and sweet - and he's such a great kisser!

Love,

Aledawn

Tea time

Hello!


As a non responsible blogger (and one who blogs o so little) I have decided to keep this up! At least for myself, as a personal diary or something. Perhaps people find it weird and all - why don't you just quit?


Well - for the reason I will tell here. I love to write - even this horrid blog that no-one in their right mind will ever like. But it's a start, even for me.


So what have I've been doing ever since I graduated?


Here comes the boringly short list.


I have celebrated my graduation with my family and with my friends. I have been to the cinema's only once.


I got my tongue piercing back in. 


I got a new wash machine, which by the way, I am very very happy about.  


I celebrated my twenty-third birthday, which was a blast! A lot of my friends came to celebrate and they left at about 3 am in the morning. 


I bought a new laptop, on which I am writing this blog now. 


I am still working at bv Sport as a front-desk assistant, doing very well.


I got a blather infection. Which sucked big big time.


Currently playing the Sims 3 with a vampire family of four and one on the way.

I have been reading much - just finished Percy Jackson and the Olympians - the Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan. See for yourself. 


And currently reading Percy Jackson and The Olympians - The Sea of Monsters by Rick Riordan. For more information - click.


But as the title of this blogs is Tea time - I will explain about that to. 


My best neighbour friend Clowdy Sky is coming over at 3 pm to have some tea. Which was a funny explanation because I had no clue tea time was at 3 pm.  So there you have it. Tea time. She also explained it where people talk about themselves and what happened in the time they where apart. 


So I'll have you pounding your pretty little heads about what I've been writing here, and see you next time.




Love,


Aledawn

My 'small' to-do-list

At the point of typing it's been over 2 am in the frickin' morning and no, I can't sleep. I am not even planning on sleeping just getting some rest. My television is showing Teen Nick which on it's own isn't a bad thing. But I cannot stand they rerun everything. I wanted to watch the Titanic, but then again, we wanted to watch it in Theaters soon. So that makes my to-do-list. Shall I summon it up for you..

• Rearrange a time for The Hunger Games in theater with my friend Debby
• Help my mother who is getting surgery in the morning
• Do some serious shopping -  Jeans for Dave, Bag, Shirt, Hygiene products and a gift for my mother
• Arrange the Titanic Theater Trip or TTT for short
• Go and do my work-experience
• Take a test to finish my school
• Arrange my graduation outfit
• Try to be happy

Love,

Aledawn

The organisation of the DVD collection

My dear readers,


This is the second update in the new year. So a few days ago I decided to organize my DVDs. And you may be thinking, that's not so hard. Well, to be honest, it is for me. I have almost 260 DVDs. No, maybe more, I've not checked everywhere, but they where all stacked neatly in cabinets made for them and a gigantic closet. But every time I searched for one, I could not find it. The longest search I had was about an hour and I was looking for a Harry Potter. So now, I have decided to organize my DVD collection. And I did it as this. I first took out all the DVD's. Saw if the boxes where filled (which where not in 12 of the cases) and then wrote them down in Excel. 


Then I decided what genre I wanted to put them in. You see if you have a movie like Harry Potter, what genre would it fit? Well, It would fit Drama, Fantasy, Family and Romance. But I put them in Fantasy and in stead of writing down for example; Harry Potter and the Halfblood Prince and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, I wrote Harry Potter 1, Harry Potter 2, Harry Potter 3 etc. and for the last two movies I did Harry Potter 7.1 and Harry Potter 7.2. 


Not only will this make it easier for me to find out where I've hidden away my movies, it will make it easier for my friends and family to search one out, when they are here, if I told them; "Well, there is the romance section, and over here, that's horror." And if they did want to borrow one, well, I would write their names on the excel list, so I would know which person has which movie! It's easy. Maybe I will even make pictures and show them to you. Can't promise, but it is something I am very proud of.


Love,


Aledawn

Three new pairs of shoes - Glee and the meeting

Today, the fifth of December - my very good friend C. gave me three pairs of shoes. It's so sweet of her - though she wore them a few times, I can't say no to good shoes that fit me. Awesome that we have the same shoe size... I totally love them - the shoes - I'm wondering what Dave thinks about them - the shoes - and about the fantastic gift of my friend C. 


I promised to 'babysit' her dog, Freddie, next Saturday. Not really looking forward to it -but a promise is a promise. I'm currently on the way to watch the season final of Glee season 2. Tomorrow at 8.30 pm starts season 3 of Glee on our national cable station.


I also just heard my to be 'mother-in-law' is coming to school for a conversation with Dave and some people - SCARY! seriously, it's terrifying me. Especially for me, seeing as they need to be there by about 8.30 and usually i'm at school at about 8 pm - I can't skip school and Dave promised me I would meet her - yeah - not really - as I said before - SCARY! TERRIFYING!  HORRIBLE! For me it would be like a horror movie nightmare where you find you can't run - you can't hide and the only thing you have to do is stick through it, until the very end. 

Changes

My life has changed. Not only did I had a fight with my "ex-"boyfriend, I got a new tattoo and I'm on medication. First things first, the fight - the big one.


On Friday night, I called him. He could not come, could not talk and had to much on his mind to be involved with me. I gave him a choice: Love me or Leave me. He said he wanted to think about it, but I figured he left me. I figured this, since it's Monday and he still did not call. I'm afraid to call, no, not afraid. Stubborn. I won't call him, it his choice. 


Second: I got a new tattoo, it's a star on my right wrist, more on the right side - it's not really centered. But I love it. 


And third; I'm on my old medication, which makes me sleep the entire night - it should help with the depressions :). We'll figure it out.  

The talk

Today I had 'The Talk' with my boyfriend. Though, it was quite a useless talk, for all he did was compare me with one of his ex-girlfriends. He complained about me and I pretended to listen. He said that he thought I was being to selfish - to narcissistic and to demanding in this relation. Wow, I took a blow at my self-esteem. For a first time, I got my feelings hurt by someone I pretend to love, (we say that we love each other, but I doubt even my own feelings towards him.) and still stay with him. 


Well I got a few blows below the belt in, I hope. I told him that he needed to spend more time in this relationships, if he wanted to continue it. But still I doubt it all. Maybe I am better of alone. Like the song Tallulah from Sonata Arctica. 

Tallulah, It's easier to live alone than fear the time it's over, oo-ooh...
Tallulah, find the words and talk to me, oh, Tallulah,
This could be... heaven 

This is the now and in the now, I don't feel like I want to be alone. I want to feel loved - or at least wanted. 

Love,


Aledawn 


P.s. try to listen to the song Tallulah - it made me think about my past relationship and the band Sonata Arctica is really good.


P.p.s. Happy Fathers day for all the fathers in the world. Please remember, your children are really important.

I wish I could leave.

Whenever I feel bad, I need to write - seeing as I have no true inspiration for one of my stories or for a poem even, I decided to write my misery here. Like anyone needs to hear it. But it helps me stay a little sane. 


I am afraid that by tomorrow at this time, I'll be alone again. And not for the fact that I would really miss him, as a person. But more for the fact that I am afraid to be left alone. The loneliness is eating at me, even now, when I am totally not alone. I have my family surrounding me, though I want to be left alone. Utterly alone.


I wish I could go home - alone, without the dog, without visitors and stay locked inside for seven days and seven nights. To walk in the middle of the night on a street where nobody knows me, where nobody sees me. Where I am alone. Where I have the wind and rain as my one true companion. Then I could do what I want for a very long time. Eat myself to death and watch all the movies I've got. Though, that would take me more then seven days and seven night to complete. I could sleep and cry and no-one would be bothered by it. Just me. I could hurt, only me. I would not have to pretend to be happy - pretend to be sane.   


Although I know that by day 3, I would have lost everything, and would crave for the companionship of others. I want this so desperately. To be alone, with my thoughts and with my own salty pearl drop tears. But how does one do this? I have obligations, I have a family, I have school and friends. I just need to be in peace with myself. I need to become at peace with myself. 


I could take a holiday - heck, I could even ask for a place in the local mental hospital for a week. But I won't. By then I would be a big burden to everyone. To my friends, family and even to the people who work there. So, what am I supposed to do?


I have to figure this out by myself. I am sorry - but I won't let me hurt myself anymore.


Take care.


Love,


Aledawn

I'll leave it to you, love!

He's not dead, nor in jail - nor anything else. He just lost his phone. I went to see him two days ago. He was at his home, a little ill but nothing special. I keep worrying about stuff - stuff I should not be worrying about. Why does these things bother me. I messaged him today, telling him that if he wanted to 'hang out with me' he needed to take the rope. To tell me, he does want to spend time with me. So, I'll leave it to you, love. And I hope you make your decision well.

For better and for the other thing I can't recall

So, to be honest - I feel kinda good about myself. Shock! I have no idea where this sudden shift of feelings came from. I do feel lonely all the time - and I have these horrible nightmare's about the most horrible things. But still, I feel good about myself. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I stopped caring about stuff. I don't care that I feel unloved by my 'boyfriend' and I do not care that I probably failed at school. No, that's not true. I care to much about those things - It might be the reason that I started regular periods of sports. I know what I want with my life at this point! I want to be married and have children. I know that for sure.

Oh, I'm babbling again. See this is what happens when I have nothing of interest to tell. I start to babble.

Life and Love don't mix together..

As I write this today, I have to admit that my life does not suck as bad as it used to. I have found a new victim, for my unwanted love. Though I have this strange feeling that in a way, we are growing apart. And we've just been seeing each other for about a few weeks (note, almost 1) - but still. Maybe it's just me being very weird and psycho about this - maybe it's true. I guess I'll have to wait and see... 


But in another way, to be understood that I'm kinda new to this - him that is. I wonder what he does when I'm not around, who he hangs out with (yep, a boyfriend who has actual friends).. I feel so strange on the inside - I still even havn't figured out if I am in love or not.. But I do care for him, feel strongly for him.


I'm going mad, writing this all down. So i'll leave it, for now, at this. I want to try and make more blog entries about him - let's call him J. so he does not get offended or anything. 


With lots of love,


-Aledawn