For the past few weeks I was wondering why I am content to stay at my parents house, willingly. It took me nearly forever to see past the obvious reasons. Free shelter, free food, no bills to pay and an easy ride to work. But then just a few seconds ago, I was reading Dennis his blog and then it hit me. I am staying here, because if I will go home, I feel alone. I cannot bare the fact of being alone, no matter how many friends I have. No many how many lovers I take. I will feel alone for a while. It's not that I want him back - but the fact he speaks of the love of his life, and meaning not me, but some other girl, it just makes me feel all the mistakes I have made in my life. I know I am a good person. Pretty even in looks. But I still can't shake the feeling of self pity. Even self loathing. Why, I don't know. I just feel the way I do. Alone and unwanted. I am pretending not to mind. Not to mind people around me, getting married and having babies. My heart is breaking with every thought of them. I want what they have. I want it so bad. But am I willing to hook up with someone I do not feel love for? Not love in the wonderful butterfly feeling I had once, long ago. We will see what life brings me, eventually.
Love,
Aledawn
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