Books and Series

Hey Readers and Peanut-cases,


So this happens to me. I totally got lost in Percy Jackson and the battle of the labyrinth after the second chapter. My mind did not work to well for me at that point. So I left the reading alone for a while and started to listen to audio books. I finished The Host by Stephanie Meyer in record timing. 48 hours total. (The audio book lasts for 24 hours) and after that I tried to read again, but could not get any further. And so I decided to watch a few episodes of The Vampire Diaries - which was awesome.


But then the simpleness of the audio book called me again. I got on a head start, not wanting to start from the beginning this time, a shame though, in the Southern Vampire Mysteries series, or the Sookie Stackhouse series, as they are also know. Or for the people who think - wth? The book series where the TV series true blood was based on. 


I jumped into Deadlocked, the last Southern Vampire Mystery Novel, and finished it last night. I cried at parts, laughed to. Held my breath and cursed when it ended. It was way to soon for my liking. Of course the author, Charlaine Harris, had her reasons to cut it to and end. I honestly say that I cannot wait for the series to continue.


Anywhooser, I decided, while I was still in a vampire mood, to switch to the House of Night series and then start at the beginning, but my attention span held no more of these nightly creatures and this morning I started listening to the Hunger Games, again.


I also bought a few new series on DVD. Under whom are Will and Grace and Prison Break. I am DS'ing again and trying to make my mind at ease.


By the way, my mother is addicted to Facebook games.


Love,


Aledawn

Changes

My life has changed. Not only did I had a fight with my "ex-"boyfriend, I got a new tattoo and I'm on medication. First things first, the fight - the big one.


On Friday night, I called him. He could not come, could not talk and had to much on his mind to be involved with me. I gave him a choice: Love me or Leave me. He said he wanted to think about it, but I figured he left me. I figured this, since it's Monday and he still did not call. I'm afraid to call, no, not afraid. Stubborn. I won't call him, it his choice. 


Second: I got a new tattoo, it's a star on my right wrist, more on the right side - it's not really centered. But I love it. 


And third; I'm on my old medication, which makes me sleep the entire night - it should help with the depressions :). We'll figure it out.  

The talk

Today I had 'The Talk' with my boyfriend. Though, it was quite a useless talk, for all he did was compare me with one of his ex-girlfriends. He complained about me and I pretended to listen. He said that he thought I was being to selfish - to narcissistic and to demanding in this relation. Wow, I took a blow at my self-esteem. For a first time, I got my feelings hurt by someone I pretend to love, (we say that we love each other, but I doubt even my own feelings towards him.) and still stay with him. 


Well I got a few blows below the belt in, I hope. I told him that he needed to spend more time in this relationships, if he wanted to continue it. But still I doubt it all. Maybe I am better of alone. Like the song Tallulah from Sonata Arctica. 

Tallulah, It's easier to live alone than fear the time it's over, oo-ooh...
Tallulah, find the words and talk to me, oh, Tallulah,
This could be... heaven 

This is the now and in the now, I don't feel like I want to be alone. I want to feel loved - or at least wanted. 

Love,


Aledawn 


P.s. try to listen to the song Tallulah - it made me think about my past relationship and the band Sonata Arctica is really good.


P.p.s. Happy Fathers day for all the fathers in the world. Please remember, your children are really important.

I wish I could leave.

Whenever I feel bad, I need to write - seeing as I have no true inspiration for one of my stories or for a poem even, I decided to write my misery here. Like anyone needs to hear it. But it helps me stay a little sane. 


I am afraid that by tomorrow at this time, I'll be alone again. And not for the fact that I would really miss him, as a person. But more for the fact that I am afraid to be left alone. The loneliness is eating at me, even now, when I am totally not alone. I have my family surrounding me, though I want to be left alone. Utterly alone.


I wish I could go home - alone, without the dog, without visitors and stay locked inside for seven days and seven nights. To walk in the middle of the night on a street where nobody knows me, where nobody sees me. Where I am alone. Where I have the wind and rain as my one true companion. Then I could do what I want for a very long time. Eat myself to death and watch all the movies I've got. Though, that would take me more then seven days and seven night to complete. I could sleep and cry and no-one would be bothered by it. Just me. I could hurt, only me. I would not have to pretend to be happy - pretend to be sane.   


Although I know that by day 3, I would have lost everything, and would crave for the companionship of others. I want this so desperately. To be alone, with my thoughts and with my own salty pearl drop tears. But how does one do this? I have obligations, I have a family, I have school and friends. I just need to be in peace with myself. I need to become at peace with myself. 


I could take a holiday - heck, I could even ask for a place in the local mental hospital for a week. But I won't. By then I would be a big burden to everyone. To my friends, family and even to the people who work there. So, what am I supposed to do?


I have to figure this out by myself. I am sorry - but I won't let me hurt myself anymore.


Take care.


Love,


Aledawn

I'll leave it to you, love!

He's not dead, nor in jail - nor anything else. He just lost his phone. I went to see him two days ago. He was at his home, a little ill but nothing special. I keep worrying about stuff - stuff I should not be worrying about. Why does these things bother me. I messaged him today, telling him that if he wanted to 'hang out with me' he needed to take the rope. To tell me, he does want to spend time with me. So, I'll leave it to you, love. And I hope you make your decision well.

Uhm - are you dead or in jail?

Damn it! My to be ex-boyfriend did not call back. He send a text at 16.08 telling he would not be coming to my house (my parents' house.) because he was busy and needed to work on his scooter. He told me he would call later that night. Fine - so I did not send anything back - just because I was annoyed and I tend to scream allot when that happens. So, I was pissed when it was midnight and he still did not call. What happens when I'm pissed? I called him - but his phone was off. He never has his phone off - so I thought it was strange - maybe a dead battery or something. So I send him a text telling him to call me back as soon as he got the message. It's 15.40 at this time  - note the time difference in the box next to this ridiculous story says it's a different time. But the point is, I am totally worried - he could be dead or worse, in jail. He might just not want to speak to me, which I can imagine, because we both know how worked up I get at those "little" details. 


Oh - F.Y.I. we are still talking about "J." and if he does not call or message and he is not dead - he can be sure he is seeing a whole lot less of me.


I'll try and keep you posted!

For better and for the other thing I can't recall

So, to be honest - I feel kinda good about myself. Shock! I have no idea where this sudden shift of feelings came from. I do feel lonely all the time - and I have these horrible nightmare's about the most horrible things. But still, I feel good about myself. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I stopped caring about stuff. I don't care that I feel unloved by my 'boyfriend' and I do not care that I probably failed at school. No, that's not true. I care to much about those things - It might be the reason that I started regular periods of sports. I know what I want with my life at this point! I want to be married and have children. I know that for sure.

Oh, I'm babbling again. See this is what happens when I have nothing of interest to tell. I start to babble.

Life and Love don't mix together..

As I write this today, I have to admit that my life does not suck as bad as it used to. I have found a new victim, for my unwanted love. Though I have this strange feeling that in a way, we are growing apart. And we've just been seeing each other for about a few weeks (note, almost 1) - but still. Maybe it's just me being very weird and psycho about this - maybe it's true. I guess I'll have to wait and see... 


But in another way, to be understood that I'm kinda new to this - him that is. I wonder what he does when I'm not around, who he hangs out with (yep, a boyfriend who has actual friends).. I feel so strange on the inside - I still even havn't figured out if I am in love or not.. But I do care for him, feel strongly for him.


I'm going mad, writing this all down. So i'll leave it, for now, at this. I want to try and make more blog entries about him - let's call him J. so he does not get offended or anything. 


With lots of love,


-Aledawn

How life flips

Have you ever wondered why life is like this? One time your happy - other times you feel like bursting into tears, staying home underneath the covers. RUN AWAY FROM THAT. Or atleast we try, don't we. We try and try and try even harder. But it doesn't work. It feels like years or maybe even decades before we feel happy. Before we can move on. But that's not my point. You need to move on. Not for you - but do it for others. So try your best - and keep on breathing - even when you do excersise -  The world is not without heart-ache and heart-ache seems to be healty for you. I do doubt it. But seeing as I am not sure if I am the expert on this subject I cannot tell you. 

I am also busy on my newly bought Wii Fit Plus. And the Yoga is very difficult. But I try and try untill I fall.

And then a some new recomandations for you.

Music: Indica - A Way Away and Ambeon - Fate of a Dreamer
Books: The Fallen Series by Lauren Kate - the Demonata Series by Darren Shan - The Vampire Series by Darren Shan 
Movies: Tangled - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 1
Games: Wii Fit Plus for the Wii and ofcourse Pokémon Black and White (Which I do not have and probably will not get until somewhere in April.)

Happiness and Loneliness.

So - I passed the last test for my school. This means I will get my Diploma on the 6th of july. So in that roll of thought I am really happy. But on the other roll of thoughts i'm quite un-happy, not for any mortal reason. I have everything I want. But still I feel like i'm being sucked up by loneliness and depression. But nothing much I can do.

I was thinking about writing a new story again, but the inspiration is held dry. So no new stories for me.

Almost forgot; I bought a few new books on Ebay and the first season of True Blood on DVD. Still waiting for three books and the DVD. Allready got five of them. And I recieved the Decended EP. It sounds great.

Current mood: Happy but Lonely
Current Audiobook: All Together Dead - Sookie Stackhouse by Charlaine Harris.

Bye - for now!

The vote, the birthday and the silly girl that feels alone.

So today, the 9th of june of the year 2010, we have elections. Just the boring stuff, and seeing I don't trust any politician, I have a feeling things can run out very nasty for us. But that doesn't matter at this point. I'm going out for a vote as soon as I get out of my work/work-experience thingy.

Further more, my "Sister-in-law" (I'm not married jet, so the sister of my boyfriend if you please.)Is celebrating her 16th birthday and I can't come to see her today. But I will soon - don't think you will ever read this but, Happy Birthday!

And then to the last of the headlines in my boring life - I feel quite alone the last few days. I have gotten no idea where it came from. Seeing how happy I should be, having a nice family, loving boyfriend, super sweet dog and nice co-workers. But I feel so left alone since a few days, that it even got me to be depressed again. Waking me up in the middle of the night, crying my eyes dry, falling a sleep again (Oversleeping the last 2 days) and waking up again, feeling like I died and was grieving over that. Maybe something to talk about with the psych. The only one that does not think i'm totally crazy, just broken. But this will sound like something stupid to others, who do think i'm crazy. But I just don't care. But to supress the lonleyness I am walking around with my iPod on my head for almost the entire time. (Exept now, cause i'm at work.) But I enjoy my audiobooks again so that's nice.

Well i'll type more soon.

Love,

Aledawn

Currentstats:

Mood:
Lonley


Audiobook:
Sookie Stackhouse 2: Living Dead In Dallas