Passion and the Package

I finally got two things I've been waiting for, for a long time. I've gotten the package from Attitude Holland today. I've been really excited to have it. I also got the adiobook Passion by Lauren Kate today. I'm very excited. Keeping it short though..

Love,

Aledawn

The package that will never come

Curse, curse, curse and i'll curse some more. Why does the post only come when i'm away. I keep missing it. My package can now be picked up - but how the hell do they want me to go there.. walking? I need to find a way and need to do it soon. Tomorrow, after school perhaps. I have to. There is absolutely no other way. So, I just called, and I can pick it up tomorrow. Dang - I need to go after school, then. 


Love,


Aledawn

Sleeping in the rain.

I slept. A new sensation. I really slept. Without the dreams. Without the nightmares. It was wonderful. I used Sounds of the Earth: Thunderstorm, and I slept. The sound of the rain and thunder, without the cold. Laying underneath the blankets and listening, to my opinion the best sound nature can produce, rain. I used to sleep on the attic, so when it rained I would sleep like a rosebud. But since I moved to the big city, I never hear the rain. Which is nasty, because whenever I fancy a walk, and it just so happens to rain, I got soaked before I noticed. And it's bad because I can't hear the rain for sleep or meditation. Sometimes I do. But then it's early morning, when everyone else is asleep.


Well I'm putting it to the test again, tonight.


Love,


Aledawn

The talk

Today I had 'The Talk' with my boyfriend. Though, it was quite a useless talk, for all he did was compare me with one of his ex-girlfriends. He complained about me and I pretended to listen. He said that he thought I was being to selfish - to narcissistic and to demanding in this relation. Wow, I took a blow at my self-esteem. For a first time, I got my feelings hurt by someone I pretend to love, (we say that we love each other, but I doubt even my own feelings towards him.) and still stay with him. 


Well I got a few blows below the belt in, I hope. I told him that he needed to spend more time in this relationships, if he wanted to continue it. But still I doubt it all. Maybe I am better of alone. Like the song Tallulah from Sonata Arctica. 

Tallulah, It's easier to live alone than fear the time it's over, oo-ooh...
Tallulah, find the words and talk to me, oh, Tallulah,
This could be... heaven 

This is the now and in the now, I don't feel like I want to be alone. I want to feel loved - or at least wanted. 

Love,


Aledawn 


P.s. try to listen to the song Tallulah - it made me think about my past relationship and the band Sonata Arctica is really good.


P.p.s. Happy Fathers day for all the fathers in the world. Please remember, your children are really important.

I wish I could leave.

Whenever I feel bad, I need to write - seeing as I have no true inspiration for one of my stories or for a poem even, I decided to write my misery here. Like anyone needs to hear it. But it helps me stay a little sane. 


I am afraid that by tomorrow at this time, I'll be alone again. And not for the fact that I would really miss him, as a person. But more for the fact that I am afraid to be left alone. The loneliness is eating at me, even now, when I am totally not alone. I have my family surrounding me, though I want to be left alone. Utterly alone.


I wish I could go home - alone, without the dog, without visitors and stay locked inside for seven days and seven nights. To walk in the middle of the night on a street where nobody knows me, where nobody sees me. Where I am alone. Where I have the wind and rain as my one true companion. Then I could do what I want for a very long time. Eat myself to death and watch all the movies I've got. Though, that would take me more then seven days and seven night to complete. I could sleep and cry and no-one would be bothered by it. Just me. I could hurt, only me. I would not have to pretend to be happy - pretend to be sane.   


Although I know that by day 3, I would have lost everything, and would crave for the companionship of others. I want this so desperately. To be alone, with my thoughts and with my own salty pearl drop tears. But how does one do this? I have obligations, I have a family, I have school and friends. I just need to be in peace with myself. I need to become at peace with myself. 


I could take a holiday - heck, I could even ask for a place in the local mental hospital for a week. But I won't. By then I would be a big burden to everyone. To my friends, family and even to the people who work there. So, what am I supposed to do?


I have to figure this out by myself. I am sorry - but I won't let me hurt myself anymore.


Take care.


Love,


Aledawn

The Tuomas Problem

What a weird title, I know, but before you make any assumptions, let me try to explain.


First, everyone who knows me - or even a little about me, knows that Tuomas Holopainen from the Finnish metal band Nightwish is one of my absolute idols (note: I adore him in a really selfish way - fan-girlish even.) I mean just look at him. 

But except the good looks and except the fact that he is a famous musician (fame attracts, no matter how you look or what kind of personality you have. )


I feel that, in a strange, weird way, we could have some connection on an astral way. I do not know him, in a personal way. So that says enough. But to get back to the original subject. 


This is the problem, in a way, Tuomas has always been my ideal image of what my husband should be. How my future husband should be. And this is where the problem starts. 


I have created these standards. And every man I ever dated falls out of those standards. Maybe except Aron. He came pretty close to the 'Tuomas Standards'. 


I feel there is this gap between my deepest wish and between the reality. It would be the end of the world if I would find a man who fits the 'Tuomas Standards'.  Simply because the only man who could/would fit those standards is Tuomas Holopainen himself. To be honest, I fear this is one thing I might never get. No matter how badly I want it. 


We will see what to do about these standards. I will figure something out. Maybe I should pick 4 from Tuomas and place them with another man. Hopefully he can, at least have 4, standards.


So, I will live my life until the solution hits me - like thunder and rain.


Love,


Aledawn

I'll leave it to you, love!

He's not dead, nor in jail - nor anything else. He just lost his phone. I went to see him two days ago. He was at his home, a little ill but nothing special. I keep worrying about stuff - stuff I should not be worrying about. Why does these things bother me. I messaged him today, telling him that if he wanted to 'hang out with me' he needed to take the rope. To tell me, he does want to spend time with me. So, I'll leave it to you, love. And I hope you make your decision well.

Uhm - are you dead or in jail?

Damn it! My to be ex-boyfriend did not call back. He send a text at 16.08 telling he would not be coming to my house (my parents' house.) because he was busy and needed to work on his scooter. He told me he would call later that night. Fine - so I did not send anything back - just because I was annoyed and I tend to scream allot when that happens. So, I was pissed when it was midnight and he still did not call. What happens when I'm pissed? I called him - but his phone was off. He never has his phone off - so I thought it was strange - maybe a dead battery or something. So I send him a text telling him to call me back as soon as he got the message. It's 15.40 at this time  - note the time difference in the box next to this ridiculous story says it's a different time. But the point is, I am totally worried - he could be dead or worse, in jail. He might just not want to speak to me, which I can imagine, because we both know how worked up I get at those "little" details. 


Oh - F.Y.I. we are still talking about "J." and if he does not call or message and he is not dead - he can be sure he is seeing a whole lot less of me.


I'll try and keep you posted!

Anime recommendations for you

Konichiwa!


I have some awesome anime's to recommend to you! I made this list - or am about to make a list, with every anime that I have once seen (and liked). So after I decided that, I thought about it to post it here. Note, these anime's are not posted in ranks but are posted in random. (Until I finish the list.)

• Fruits Basket
• Love Hina
• Elven Lied
• Chobits
• High School of the Dead (*)
• Soul Eater (**)
• Ao No Exorcist (*)(O)
• Rosario + Vampire (*)
• Death Note
• Dragon Ball Z
• Witch Hunter Robin (**)

So, there are many many more to watch and to enjoy.. If you have any recommendations about any series you liked or loved, please let me know and I might review it here (If i get an addict)

Note:

* = Recently Watched

** = Recently Watched but not finished yet.

O = Ongoing - it did not end yet..

For better and for the other thing I can't recall

So, to be honest - I feel kinda good about myself. Shock! I have no idea where this sudden shift of feelings came from. I do feel lonely all the time - and I have these horrible nightmare's about the most horrible things. But still, I feel good about myself. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I stopped caring about stuff. I don't care that I feel unloved by my 'boyfriend' and I do not care that I probably failed at school. No, that's not true. I care to much about those things - It might be the reason that I started regular periods of sports. I know what I want with my life at this point! I want to be married and have children. I know that for sure.

Oh, I'm babbling again. See this is what happens when I have nothing of interest to tell. I start to babble.