Driving home from the parking lot

I have been driving today. Not far and not even in a real car - but it was very much fun to do. My friend, R. has a car that can only go 45 kmph - and he let me drive a round around the parking lot at our back. He's my neighbor from 4 up. We had C.'s dog Freddie and my dog Princess in the back of the car and the nerve's where spiraling out of control. But I did it. I drove! It felt amazing and it wasn't even illegal. He told me I could 'practice' driving in his car until I was going to start up for my real driver's licence. And actually there is not much more to note to you right now. Except for the fact i'm still pretty mad at Dave (my "boyfriend") for not calling me and not responding to any of my text' or calls.


Love,


Aledawn


P.s. it's cold in here.

Three new pairs of shoes - Glee and the meeting

Today, the fifth of December - my very good friend C. gave me three pairs of shoes. It's so sweet of her - though she wore them a few times, I can't say no to good shoes that fit me. Awesome that we have the same shoe size... I totally love them - the shoes - I'm wondering what Dave thinks about them - the shoes - and about the fantastic gift of my friend C. 


I promised to 'babysit' her dog, Freddie, next Saturday. Not really looking forward to it -but a promise is a promise. I'm currently on the way to watch the season final of Glee season 2. Tomorrow at 8.30 pm starts season 3 of Glee on our national cable station.


I also just heard my to be 'mother-in-law' is coming to school for a conversation with Dave and some people - SCARY! seriously, it's terrifying me. Especially for me, seeing as they need to be there by about 8.30 and usually i'm at school at about 8 pm - I can't skip school and Dave promised me I would meet her - yeah - not really - as I said before - SCARY! TERRIFYING!  HORRIBLE! For me it would be like a horror movie nightmare where you find you can't run - you can't hide and the only thing you have to do is stick through it, until the very end. 

I Love This!

Another day, another blog. It's getting almost addictive. But what to write now about? Well how about a music blog then? Or a movie blog? A television blog? A blog entry with all my favorites?


What about the last one - a blog with all of my favorites. All you say? For someone who can have such a way with favorites.. No, not all - but plenty will come - and of course more will follow. But to make it easier for you to read, i'll make a list - with a few of my favorites, at this moment.


Authors (Female):

1. J.K. Rowling
2. Lauren Kate
3. Ellen Scheiber
4. Stephanie Meyer
5. P.C. Cast + Kristen Cast
6. Charlaine Harris

Authors (Male):

1. Stephen King
2. J.R.R. Tolkien
3. Darren Shan
4. Shakespear

Books:

1. The Host
2. The Vampire Kisses Saga
3. Fallen Saga
4. Twilight Saga
5. Sookie Stackhouse Novels
6. Harry Potter (All of them)
7. Demonata Series
8. Vampire Diaries
9. The Lord of the Rings

Movies:

1. Romeo + Juliet
2. Tangled
3. Harry Potter
4. Titanic
5. Twilight Movies
6. There are so many more movies - Can't place them here...

The Smell Of Joy

Life as I knew it totally changed. I found myself being gloating with happiness and joy. I would wake up in the morning, early, and ready for school. I am getting amazingly good grades. Which is amazing, even for me. I mean, especially for me. I usually fail in almost everything, most of the time, lagging behind in school work. Still I would wish that I would get some of my inspiration back. It sucks not to be able to have good dreams and write about them. Most of the time now, I would be to tired to dream - as is normal for me - and when I go to bed, I fall asleep at once. Actually, because everything goes so well, I have little to mention. I got the new Nightwish album - I love it! Also i'm trying to concentrate on Harry Potter a little more, just to write some fan fiction. Or to continue Dark Star. But as I mentioned above, it just does not work. 

Love, Aledawn.

P.s. Information about my Boyfriend is behind the break!

The Death of Innocence

I've been busy alright - though sometimes I feel like I might be used for things - babysit my children, babysit my dog. Buy me diner - etc. But no more. This is the end of it! No more innocent little miss nice. I'm gonna be honest about my feelings, so I painted my nails black and watch True Blood with a bucket of Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough. And after that, I'll fall asleep with an empty feeling of loneliness. It's wonderful - especially when I know i'm gonna have the half day of tomorrow!

Way to long - to little to tell you

OMG, I'm so so sorry. I've had you waiting for a while now.. But since there is not much to tell - there really is no need for my crying. So the highlights and deeppoints of my life since I last wrote to you:

• I bought a new iPod - It's a classic
• I bought the Sims 3 Late Night - Awesome
• I went to Germany to buy Coca-Cola Vanille - but it was sold out.
• I went to town with my friend, Harm-Jan, and bought for 80 euro's worth of clothing
• I am spending time with my friends
• I have great contact with my neighbour, Clau.
• I got addicted to Monster High, Charmed and Vampire Kisses series
• I have summer vacation, which is amlost over 

So I guess that was it..

Love,

Aledawn

Keeping a diary

Hello readers,

I am thinking to keep up a diary. So I can write down all the secrets I can't share with you.. But I'm still figuring some things out.. Like, a name for my Diary (I name almost everything) and a form. I was thinking to do it on my laptop and then print it out every month or weak - if the paper get's to much, then put it in a book. Much to figure out, to little time...

Love,

Aledawn

Changes

My life has changed. Not only did I had a fight with my "ex-"boyfriend, I got a new tattoo and I'm on medication. First things first, the fight - the big one.


On Friday night, I called him. He could not come, could not talk and had to much on his mind to be involved with me. I gave him a choice: Love me or Leave me. He said he wanted to think about it, but I figured he left me. I figured this, since it's Monday and he still did not call. I'm afraid to call, no, not afraid. Stubborn. I won't call him, it his choice. 


Second: I got a new tattoo, it's a star on my right wrist, more on the right side - it's not really centered. But I love it. 


And third; I'm on my old medication, which makes me sleep the entire night - it should help with the depressions :). We'll figure it out.  

Passion and the Package

I finally got two things I've been waiting for, for a long time. I've gotten the package from Attitude Holland today. I've been really excited to have it. I also got the adiobook Passion by Lauren Kate today. I'm very excited. Keeping it short though..

Love,

Aledawn

The package that will never come

Curse, curse, curse and i'll curse some more. Why does the post only come when i'm away. I keep missing it. My package can now be picked up - but how the hell do they want me to go there.. walking? I need to find a way and need to do it soon. Tomorrow, after school perhaps. I have to. There is absolutely no other way. So, I just called, and I can pick it up tomorrow. Dang - I need to go after school, then. 


Love,


Aledawn

Sleeping in the rain.

I slept. A new sensation. I really slept. Without the dreams. Without the nightmares. It was wonderful. I used Sounds of the Earth: Thunderstorm, and I slept. The sound of the rain and thunder, without the cold. Laying underneath the blankets and listening, to my opinion the best sound nature can produce, rain. I used to sleep on the attic, so when it rained I would sleep like a rosebud. But since I moved to the big city, I never hear the rain. Which is nasty, because whenever I fancy a walk, and it just so happens to rain, I got soaked before I noticed. And it's bad because I can't hear the rain for sleep or meditation. Sometimes I do. But then it's early morning, when everyone else is asleep.


Well I'm putting it to the test again, tonight.


Love,


Aledawn

The talk

Today I had 'The Talk' with my boyfriend. Though, it was quite a useless talk, for all he did was compare me with one of his ex-girlfriends. He complained about me and I pretended to listen. He said that he thought I was being to selfish - to narcissistic and to demanding in this relation. Wow, I took a blow at my self-esteem. For a first time, I got my feelings hurt by someone I pretend to love, (we say that we love each other, but I doubt even my own feelings towards him.) and still stay with him. 


Well I got a few blows below the belt in, I hope. I told him that he needed to spend more time in this relationships, if he wanted to continue it. But still I doubt it all. Maybe I am better of alone. Like the song Tallulah from Sonata Arctica. 

Tallulah, It's easier to live alone than fear the time it's over, oo-ooh...
Tallulah, find the words and talk to me, oh, Tallulah,
This could be... heaven 

This is the now and in the now, I don't feel like I want to be alone. I want to feel loved - or at least wanted. 

Love,


Aledawn 


P.s. try to listen to the song Tallulah - it made me think about my past relationship and the band Sonata Arctica is really good.


P.p.s. Happy Fathers day for all the fathers in the world. Please remember, your children are really important.

I wish I could leave.

Whenever I feel bad, I need to write - seeing as I have no true inspiration for one of my stories or for a poem even, I decided to write my misery here. Like anyone needs to hear it. But it helps me stay a little sane. 


I am afraid that by tomorrow at this time, I'll be alone again. And not for the fact that I would really miss him, as a person. But more for the fact that I am afraid to be left alone. The loneliness is eating at me, even now, when I am totally not alone. I have my family surrounding me, though I want to be left alone. Utterly alone.


I wish I could go home - alone, without the dog, without visitors and stay locked inside for seven days and seven nights. To walk in the middle of the night on a street where nobody knows me, where nobody sees me. Where I am alone. Where I have the wind and rain as my one true companion. Then I could do what I want for a very long time. Eat myself to death and watch all the movies I've got. Though, that would take me more then seven days and seven night to complete. I could sleep and cry and no-one would be bothered by it. Just me. I could hurt, only me. I would not have to pretend to be happy - pretend to be sane.   


Although I know that by day 3, I would have lost everything, and would crave for the companionship of others. I want this so desperately. To be alone, with my thoughts and with my own salty pearl drop tears. But how does one do this? I have obligations, I have a family, I have school and friends. I just need to be in peace with myself. I need to become at peace with myself. 


I could take a holiday - heck, I could even ask for a place in the local mental hospital for a week. But I won't. By then I would be a big burden to everyone. To my friends, family and even to the people who work there. So, what am I supposed to do?


I have to figure this out by myself. I am sorry - but I won't let me hurt myself anymore.


Take care.


Love,


Aledawn

The Tuomas Problem

What a weird title, I know, but before you make any assumptions, let me try to explain.


First, everyone who knows me - or even a little about me, knows that Tuomas Holopainen from the Finnish metal band Nightwish is one of my absolute idols (note: I adore him in a really selfish way - fan-girlish even.) I mean just look at him. 

But except the good looks and except the fact that he is a famous musician (fame attracts, no matter how you look or what kind of personality you have. )


I feel that, in a strange, weird way, we could have some connection on an astral way. I do not know him, in a personal way. So that says enough. But to get back to the original subject. 


This is the problem, in a way, Tuomas has always been my ideal image of what my husband should be. How my future husband should be. And this is where the problem starts. 


I have created these standards. And every man I ever dated falls out of those standards. Maybe except Aron. He came pretty close to the 'Tuomas Standards'. 


I feel there is this gap between my deepest wish and between the reality. It would be the end of the world if I would find a man who fits the 'Tuomas Standards'.  Simply because the only man who could/would fit those standards is Tuomas Holopainen himself. To be honest, I fear this is one thing I might never get. No matter how badly I want it. 


We will see what to do about these standards. I will figure something out. Maybe I should pick 4 from Tuomas and place them with another man. Hopefully he can, at least have 4, standards.


So, I will live my life until the solution hits me - like thunder and rain.


Love,


Aledawn

I'll leave it to you, love!

He's not dead, nor in jail - nor anything else. He just lost his phone. I went to see him two days ago. He was at his home, a little ill but nothing special. I keep worrying about stuff - stuff I should not be worrying about. Why does these things bother me. I messaged him today, telling him that if he wanted to 'hang out with me' he needed to take the rope. To tell me, he does want to spend time with me. So, I'll leave it to you, love. And I hope you make your decision well.

Uhm - are you dead or in jail?

Damn it! My to be ex-boyfriend did not call back. He send a text at 16.08 telling he would not be coming to my house (my parents' house.) because he was busy and needed to work on his scooter. He told me he would call later that night. Fine - so I did not send anything back - just because I was annoyed and I tend to scream allot when that happens. So, I was pissed when it was midnight and he still did not call. What happens when I'm pissed? I called him - but his phone was off. He never has his phone off - so I thought it was strange - maybe a dead battery or something. So I send him a text telling him to call me back as soon as he got the message. It's 15.40 at this time  - note the time difference in the box next to this ridiculous story says it's a different time. But the point is, I am totally worried - he could be dead or worse, in jail. He might just not want to speak to me, which I can imagine, because we both know how worked up I get at those "little" details. 


Oh - F.Y.I. we are still talking about "J." and if he does not call or message and he is not dead - he can be sure he is seeing a whole lot less of me.


I'll try and keep you posted!

Anime recommendations for you

Konichiwa!


I have some awesome anime's to recommend to you! I made this list - or am about to make a list, with every anime that I have once seen (and liked). So after I decided that, I thought about it to post it here. Note, these anime's are not posted in ranks but are posted in random. (Until I finish the list.)

• Fruits Basket
• Love Hina
• Elven Lied
• Chobits
• High School of the Dead (*)
• Soul Eater (**)
• Ao No Exorcist (*)(O)
• Rosario + Vampire (*)
• Death Note
• Dragon Ball Z
• Witch Hunter Robin (**)

So, there are many many more to watch and to enjoy.. If you have any recommendations about any series you liked or loved, please let me know and I might review it here (If i get an addict)

Note:

* = Recently Watched

** = Recently Watched but not finished yet.

O = Ongoing - it did not end yet..

For better and for the other thing I can't recall

So, to be honest - I feel kinda good about myself. Shock! I have no idea where this sudden shift of feelings came from. I do feel lonely all the time - and I have these horrible nightmare's about the most horrible things. But still, I feel good about myself. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I stopped caring about stuff. I don't care that I feel unloved by my 'boyfriend' and I do not care that I probably failed at school. No, that's not true. I care to much about those things - It might be the reason that I started regular periods of sports. I know what I want with my life at this point! I want to be married and have children. I know that for sure.

Oh, I'm babbling again. See this is what happens when I have nothing of interest to tell. I start to babble.

On school and a bad, postive grade - horror movie mania

Great, another school day. I'm on my new keyboard. As seen over there ->

Alright, the two parts of the keyboard are stuck together, at this moment. My mouse is a long, thin bar. Beneath the keys. It's funny, yet at times it get's very frustrated. But it helps me and my illness.


I've secretly diced to work with more pictures in my blog. To cheer it up more. Make it interesting for the people who read this, except for myself. I mean this is going to be my online diary.


I had a test today, Dutch Spelling Style; got 5.6 out of 10. Barely passed. I'm very disappointed about this. But, as my teacher tells me, a pass is a pass. It does get my total down to a 5.8.. Not happy about that, and I can't redo the test.

___________________________________________________________

In further news, I have returned to my Horror Movie Mania - This means I want to watch as much horror movies as I possibly can. This far, since Saturday, I've seen 2 horror movies. Both of them were not really that excited.

First one I saw was Bride of Chucky: (trailer may not be suited for minors. I cannot be held responsible for any damage you suffer from watching this video.)

Second one I saw was Cabin Fever: (trailer may not be suited for minors. I cannot be held responsible for any damage you suffer from watching this video.)

I did thought the first one, Bride of Chucky, was funny - the second one, Cabin Fever, was not what I had expected of it, after seeing the trailer.

Tonight, however, me and my friend M. will most likely be watching:

The Blair Witch Project: (trailer may not be suited for minors. I cannot be held responsible for any damage you suffer from watching this video.)







I will keep you posted on this - tell you what I thought and what more I will be seeing.

A fall from the past..

"A life without my love, would be dreadfull. But who is my love at days like these. Why is it I cry, why do we die inside, just to be with that one person. Can we actually stay to our true nature or do we betray ourself? Nothing much about the world - 'I feel you and I fear you' - no, I love you."
 Mirrors of Ice


Ha - how did that sound? I still have no clue but seeing as it has been very long since I last worked on Mirrors of Ice (previously known as "Wedding From Hell") I decided to do up more inspiration. But then again, I usually get inspiration from heart-aches. Of which I have non at the moment - which may be good for my sanity, but is horrible for my writing. I need to find a way to combine love and writing.. Especially to write horror's of heart-ache and losses. Haha.. I just can't write when I'm happy. Maybe I can write two or three horrible gooey love lines - but that would be all. 


"Please, come back to me soon. I miss you already" etc. etc. etc. Those kinds of phrases.


Well I am going to once again focus on the past to be able to write - It doesn't matter that my happiness dwells for a moment under it. It will be alright again, tomorrow.


Love,


Aledawn

Life and Love don't mix together..

As I write this today, I have to admit that my life does not suck as bad as it used to. I have found a new victim, for my unwanted love. Though I have this strange feeling that in a way, we are growing apart. And we've just been seeing each other for about a few weeks (note, almost 1) - but still. Maybe it's just me being very weird and psycho about this - maybe it's true. I guess I'll have to wait and see... 


But in another way, to be understood that I'm kinda new to this - him that is. I wonder what he does when I'm not around, who he hangs out with (yep, a boyfriend who has actual friends).. I feel so strange on the inside - I still even havn't figured out if I am in love or not.. But I do care for him, feel strongly for him.


I'm going mad, writing this all down. So i'll leave it, for now, at this. I want to try and make more blog entries about him - let's call him J. so he does not get offended or anything. 


With lots of love,


-Aledawn

Oh My Headache! feat. House of Night

Everyone has headache problems from time to time - and mine hurts, now and again for about a really long time. But sometimes those minor 'stress' headaches grow into major migraines. And then what. What if a migraine lasts for more then 3 days?

Well to be honest - my head is almost again on migraine level. But the funny part is before I go to bed - about 2 hours - it starts untill I fall asleep. But to not be all whiny and shit, I am here to recomand a new bookseries - who are not that new - It's the House of Night series. I am currently on book 2 'Betrayed by P.C. Cast and Kristen Cast' Highly recomanded by Aledawn - me that is - the series is about Zoey Redbird who is a vampyre flegdling. So much fun and so addictive.

Mood: Lonely Headached Sadly Happy.. (can't make sense of my emotions)
Current Audiobook: House of Night - Betrayed by P.C. Cast + Kristen Cast
About to do: Sleeping

p.s. 55 days untill I turn 22

How life flips

Have you ever wondered why life is like this? One time your happy - other times you feel like bursting into tears, staying home underneath the covers. RUN AWAY FROM THAT. Or atleast we try, don't we. We try and try and try even harder. But it doesn't work. It feels like years or maybe even decades before we feel happy. Before we can move on. But that's not my point. You need to move on. Not for you - but do it for others. So try your best - and keep on breathing - even when you do excersise -  The world is not without heart-ache and heart-ache seems to be healty for you. I do doubt it. But seeing as I am not sure if I am the expert on this subject I cannot tell you. 

I am also busy on my newly bought Wii Fit Plus. And the Yoga is very difficult. But I try and try untill I fall.

And then a some new recomandations for you.

Music: Indica - A Way Away and Ambeon - Fate of a Dreamer
Books: The Fallen Series by Lauren Kate - the Demonata Series by Darren Shan - The Vampire Series by Darren Shan 
Movies: Tangled - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 1
Games: Wii Fit Plus for the Wii and ofcourse Pokémon Black and White (Which I do not have and probably will not get until somewhere in April.)