Keeping a diary

Hello readers,

I am thinking to keep up a diary. So I can write down all the secrets I can't share with you.. But I'm still figuring some things out.. Like, a name for my Diary (I name almost everything) and a form. I was thinking to do it on my laptop and then print it out every month or weak - if the paper get's to much, then put it in a book. Much to figure out, to little time...

Love,

Aledawn

Changes

My life has changed. Not only did I had a fight with my "ex-"boyfriend, I got a new tattoo and I'm on medication. First things first, the fight - the big one.


On Friday night, I called him. He could not come, could not talk and had to much on his mind to be involved with me. I gave him a choice: Love me or Leave me. He said he wanted to think about it, but I figured he left me. I figured this, since it's Monday and he still did not call. I'm afraid to call, no, not afraid. Stubborn. I won't call him, it his choice. 


Second: I got a new tattoo, it's a star on my right wrist, more on the right side - it's not really centered. But I love it. 


And third; I'm on my old medication, which makes me sleep the entire night - it should help with the depressions :). We'll figure it out.  

Passion and the Package

I finally got two things I've been waiting for, for a long time. I've gotten the package from Attitude Holland today. I've been really excited to have it. I also got the adiobook Passion by Lauren Kate today. I'm very excited. Keeping it short though..

Love,

Aledawn

The package that will never come

Curse, curse, curse and i'll curse some more. Why does the post only come when i'm away. I keep missing it. My package can now be picked up - but how the hell do they want me to go there.. walking? I need to find a way and need to do it soon. Tomorrow, after school perhaps. I have to. There is absolutely no other way. So, I just called, and I can pick it up tomorrow. Dang - I need to go after school, then. 


Love,


Aledawn

Sleeping in the rain.

I slept. A new sensation. I really slept. Without the dreams. Without the nightmares. It was wonderful. I used Sounds of the Earth: Thunderstorm, and I slept. The sound of the rain and thunder, without the cold. Laying underneath the blankets and listening, to my opinion the best sound nature can produce, rain. I used to sleep on the attic, so when it rained I would sleep like a rosebud. But since I moved to the big city, I never hear the rain. Which is nasty, because whenever I fancy a walk, and it just so happens to rain, I got soaked before I noticed. And it's bad because I can't hear the rain for sleep or meditation. Sometimes I do. But then it's early morning, when everyone else is asleep.


Well I'm putting it to the test again, tonight.


Love,


Aledawn

The talk

Today I had 'The Talk' with my boyfriend. Though, it was quite a useless talk, for all he did was compare me with one of his ex-girlfriends. He complained about me and I pretended to listen. He said that he thought I was being to selfish - to narcissistic and to demanding in this relation. Wow, I took a blow at my self-esteem. For a first time, I got my feelings hurt by someone I pretend to love, (we say that we love each other, but I doubt even my own feelings towards him.) and still stay with him. 


Well I got a few blows below the belt in, I hope. I told him that he needed to spend more time in this relationships, if he wanted to continue it. But still I doubt it all. Maybe I am better of alone. Like the song Tallulah from Sonata Arctica. 

Tallulah, It's easier to live alone than fear the time it's over, oo-ooh...
Tallulah, find the words and talk to me, oh, Tallulah,
This could be... heaven 

This is the now and in the now, I don't feel like I want to be alone. I want to feel loved - or at least wanted. 

Love,


Aledawn 


P.s. try to listen to the song Tallulah - it made me think about my past relationship and the band Sonata Arctica is really good.


P.p.s. Happy Fathers day for all the fathers in the world. Please remember, your children are really important.

I wish I could leave.

Whenever I feel bad, I need to write - seeing as I have no true inspiration for one of my stories or for a poem even, I decided to write my misery here. Like anyone needs to hear it. But it helps me stay a little sane. 


I am afraid that by tomorrow at this time, I'll be alone again. And not for the fact that I would really miss him, as a person. But more for the fact that I am afraid to be left alone. The loneliness is eating at me, even now, when I am totally not alone. I have my family surrounding me, though I want to be left alone. Utterly alone.


I wish I could go home - alone, without the dog, without visitors and stay locked inside for seven days and seven nights. To walk in the middle of the night on a street where nobody knows me, where nobody sees me. Where I am alone. Where I have the wind and rain as my one true companion. Then I could do what I want for a very long time. Eat myself to death and watch all the movies I've got. Though, that would take me more then seven days and seven night to complete. I could sleep and cry and no-one would be bothered by it. Just me. I could hurt, only me. I would not have to pretend to be happy - pretend to be sane.   


Although I know that by day 3, I would have lost everything, and would crave for the companionship of others. I want this so desperately. To be alone, with my thoughts and with my own salty pearl drop tears. But how does one do this? I have obligations, I have a family, I have school and friends. I just need to be in peace with myself. I need to become at peace with myself. 


I could take a holiday - heck, I could even ask for a place in the local mental hospital for a week. But I won't. By then I would be a big burden to everyone. To my friends, family and even to the people who work there. So, what am I supposed to do?


I have to figure this out by myself. I am sorry - but I won't let me hurt myself anymore.


Take care.


Love,


Aledawn